SO Whats New!!

Well it has been awhile since I last put words to paper, or in this case typed letters to screen. Things have been a bit crazy and I have not had time to do anything.
What has been new in my life? Well, my brother took his wonderful family and moved on me!! This bothers me only in the way that I don't get to see them anymore. I miss them so much, all of them, that its best to not even think about it, least I start to cry!
I have lost so much these last 2 years, but I have gained some too. I am starting to find a new person inside of me, someone that I didn't even know was there. Someone I am growing to like an awful lot.

I have decided that I am done with everyone that makes me cry (and not in a I miss you way!) or people that make me angry or sad. If I have learned nothing from losing mom, it is that life leads us places we may not want to go, but we still have to go there anyway. Destiny is not something we control, but something we have to choose to live with, no one says we have to like it..

Miss you mom

Dilemma

So I find myself in somewhat of a dilemma! What to do?

This is it, I have been invited to visit friends, however this is also in the local of the people trying to sully my name. Going will mean the possiblity of being in a situation that may end, well let's just say, not pleasant.
I don't want to not go, out of fear, but I also don't want to lie to G about going, so others have ammo against me!

I have been asked to go for three weeks and have been saying next weekend, next weekend, well its now next weekend! Do I go, do I tell G? Do I just go and let him find out when I am there? Is it really any of his business what his friends do? No not really I suppose, but I don't know if this will jeapordize our friendship further.

I guess we'll see, as Sarah already has me a train ticket!!
Think good thoughts for me and wish me luck!!

Time Wounds, All Heals

The last few days have been a challenge for me. I have just realized that I have been waiting desperatley for the one thing that will never ever happen.

My mom to come home.

I know that seems absurd. I mean I called the ambulance, I told my brother, I held her hand and said goodbye. I thought that I let her go that night, I didn't. I have been holding onto her so tight that it has been strangling me. I have been waiting, for what. It seems so stupid. To hold that hope so close, that hope that you will wake up, and everything from the last year of living hell will not have happend.

That mom would still be here, that I never would have stood by her coffin, spoke at her funeral. That I didn't ruin the best, closests relationship with anyone I have ever had. That I haven't pushed everyone so far away, that there is no coming back.

I have been living in this haze. My heart disappeared 11 months ago, any thought I have ever had that there is someone, anyone to 'pray' to is gone! Because despite what people think, I did pray. As that ambulance pulled away, in my heart I knew she wasn't coming back. God I can't breath.

I mean what's next. I lost Turkey, then mom and now most likly my best freind. Mom used to tell me that being honest, wasn't always the best road to travel. That it may make my mind easier, lighter even. Though it most certainly would make my heart loneliner. She has was never so right! I just can't change who I am. I know that she is watching over us. I know that she is proud of me and Scott. She is kissing the girls every night when they lay down to sleep. That she is walking beside my dad during his days. That she whispers in Chris's ear, the things that we forget, so that someone will remember. She stands over Scott, holding his hand so he knows she's will always hold him up.
And me, she stands beside. Whispering encouragment, love and pride into my ear. For she knows, like no one else does, that I am terrified, that I am so sad, and that my heart hurts. I thought foolishly, that by allowing myself to admit that I loved another, it would somehow ease my pain. It didn't, it just created more.

So mom, I wait now. Hoping to hear your voice in my ear. Telling me what's next. What the right path is to take, because I have no idea. I cannot see what the road has instore for me, all I see is that I am going to be driving down it alone, at least that's how seems.