Not hurting enough
Well like the past 3 weeks haven't been bad enough. This weekend I have been told, that not only did I not grieve the right way at my mom's funeral, but that because I was myself around a bunch of people who don't know me, I offended them.
I obviously wasn't there to grieve the loss of my mother, my hero, my best friend. And that although over the last 5 months I had to watch the strongest woman I know wither into nothing, until her heart and lungs just could not function anymore. And while watching her struggle for breath, knowing the pain and agony that she must be suffering , and being unable, not unlike my brother (who loved her just like me) and my father (who was her soulmate, and he her's) too anything but hold her hand. At the funeral, which by the way was FOUR DAYS after she finally was out of pain, I OFFENDED SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE I DIDN"T WORRY ABOUT HOW THEY WHERE FEELING!!!! '
Gee, silly me, at the time I thought that my dad, my brother, my sisterinlaw, and my two devasted nieces where more important than anyone else. AND as for what my mother wanted, what she would be angry about or what would have made her roll over in her grave. NOBODY but me and my IMMEDIATE family knew what she wanted.... otherwise I never would have recieved the letter's that I have. Ineffect, telling me that my grief means less than there's and that I mean nothing to them. Because at the funeral, not one of these people made any effort to comfort me. Just tell enough advice to tell me to be strong for everyone else.
I will be 32 in one week, and I can honestly say that there are a limited number of my relatives that know anything about me, or who I am. And if it hadn't have been for my mother(the most amazing woman) none of them I sure, would even care.
My grief was starting to become something else, not barable, but I stopped crying everyday, NOW I am so angry and hurt that I am amazed that I can even put it into words.
What none of you knew about my mother, was that if she knew how you had all hurt me, and not stood beside me and mine, she would NEVER speak to again.
I obviously wasn't there to grieve the loss of my mother, my hero, my best friend. And that although over the last 5 months I had to watch the strongest woman I know wither into nothing, until her heart and lungs just could not function anymore. And while watching her struggle for breath, knowing the pain and agony that she must be suffering , and being unable, not unlike my brother (who loved her just like me) and my father (who was her soulmate, and he her's) too anything but hold her hand. At the funeral, which by the way was FOUR DAYS after she finally was out of pain, I OFFENDED SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE I DIDN"T WORRY ABOUT HOW THEY WHERE FEELING!!!! '
Gee, silly me, at the time I thought that my dad, my brother, my sisterinlaw, and my two devasted nieces where more important than anyone else. AND as for what my mother wanted, what she would be angry about or what would have made her roll over in her grave. NOBODY but me and my IMMEDIATE family knew what she wanted.... otherwise I never would have recieved the letter's that I have. Ineffect, telling me that my grief means less than there's and that I mean nothing to them. Because at the funeral, not one of these people made any effort to comfort me. Just tell enough advice to tell me to be strong for everyone else.
I will be 32 in one week, and I can honestly say that there are a limited number of my relatives that know anything about me, or who I am. And if it hadn't have been for my mother(the most amazing woman) none of them I sure, would even care.
My grief was starting to become something else, not barable, but I stopped crying everyday, NOW I am so angry and hurt that I am amazed that I can even put it into words.
What none of you knew about my mother, was that if she knew how you had all hurt me, and not stood beside me and mine, she would NEVER speak to again.
posted by Hope | 5/29/2005
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