Today
Well today is August 28th, and although it was a great day, it was an awful day as well. It was Kimber's (my niece) bday on Friday, she's 6, beautiful and intelligent, and everything you could hope for, and today was her bday party.
Now for the last week, I have had this incredible headache, and until yesterday couldn't for the life of me figure out why, then today came and went and as I was pulling out of my brothers driveway, I started to cry, then sob, then pull over. It dawned on me then that my mom would never see another party for Kimber, or Lauryn. She will never know any kids I may someday have,she will never meet the man of my dreams, she will never see me graduate from college, she will never see how many more great children my brother will have, or be there for their 20th anniversary. She will miss everything that happens in our lives! And all these people that will come into our lives will hear tales and laugh at stories of how crazy she could be, how wonderful she was, what a great mom she was, but they will never be anything but stories, they will never feel the warmth from her smile, or get to play kitchen balloon volleyball.
Although we will hold her tightly in our hearts, it seems that every time a "new family" thing happens, birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas ,part of us lies quite. Waiting, patiently for her to walk thru the door.
I listen in my head, because I know that she is talking to me, to all of us, I know that she was proud and loved us more than anything in this world. I know alot of things, but that doesn't make my chest hurt less at family day, and I am sure that my brother doesn't hurt less when he looks at his daughters and thinks that they will never have thier mamma to talk too, to laugh with, to say "mom and dad just don't understand!"
I feel lost, and I am trying to find some solid ground to stand on. I am hoping that someday I will be able to talk about my mother and not feel this crushing pain in my chest, right now I don;t believe that will ever happen. I know that she is watching over us, everyday. Sending us her love, and some back handed comment that only this family would ever understand. And I hope beyond hope, that in another life, another existance, another time, we will see her beautiful smile again.
Screw it I know we will!!!
But for now, I just have to say that I hate the number 6...............
Now for the last week, I have had this incredible headache, and until yesterday couldn't for the life of me figure out why, then today came and went and as I was pulling out of my brothers driveway, I started to cry, then sob, then pull over. It dawned on me then that my mom would never see another party for Kimber, or Lauryn. She will never know any kids I may someday have,she will never meet the man of my dreams, she will never see me graduate from college, she will never see how many more great children my brother will have, or be there for their 20th anniversary. She will miss everything that happens in our lives! And all these people that will come into our lives will hear tales and laugh at stories of how crazy she could be, how wonderful she was, what a great mom she was, but they will never be anything but stories, they will never feel the warmth from her smile, or get to play kitchen balloon volleyball.
Although we will hold her tightly in our hearts, it seems that every time a "new family" thing happens, birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas ,part of us lies quite. Waiting, patiently for her to walk thru the door.
I listen in my head, because I know that she is talking to me, to all of us, I know that she was proud and loved us more than anything in this world. I know alot of things, but that doesn't make my chest hurt less at family day, and I am sure that my brother doesn't hurt less when he looks at his daughters and thinks that they will never have thier mamma to talk too, to laugh with, to say "mom and dad just don't understand!"
I feel lost, and I am trying to find some solid ground to stand on. I am hoping that someday I will be able to talk about my mother and not feel this crushing pain in my chest, right now I don;t believe that will ever happen. I know that she is watching over us, everyday. Sending us her love, and some back handed comment that only this family would ever understand. And I hope beyond hope, that in another life, another existance, another time, we will see her beautiful smile again.
Screw it I know we will!!!
But for now, I just have to say that I hate the number 6...............
posted by Hope | 8/28/2005
1 Comments:
She is seeing all these things and more... there are Holes in the Floor of Heaven - you just need to remember that...
and I know that she is smiling down on us, and will check in from time to time.
~S
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