Realization
I have had a great and new realization in my life, well maybe not my life but definitely my head. I have come to the grand conclusion that I am anger, and no its not invisible, its right out there. The biggest problem with this is that I am taking it out on the wrong person, and he thinks its because of him. Partly some of it may be because of him, but knowing what I know about me, its more about me and my life, then him and what's been going on this past month, that is just an outlet for me to vent.
I have realized that this is a shitty thing to do, and I am sorry. He doesn't read my blog's and I sometimes think that's for the best, although there are times when I wish he did. Maybe it would make talking to each other less of an argument and more of a discussion. He wants to be there for me, I know that, and I am angry because I cannot seem to let me guard down enough to let him in. I am afraid that if he knows all parts of me that he will not want to stay my friend. There are so many parts that I hide, things that I think, that I want to say or feel or do, and have no clue where to put that. My buddy Mark gave me a shot in the head last night and made me look at things as they are, not as I think they are. He's always been good at that, thanks Mark!
I have realized(yes with some help) that I am mad at me, mostly for making promises and putting myself in a pitfall place that I am not used to maneuvering from. I have no idea how not to be me, how not to play "games", and I didn't even realize that. Until it was pointed out to me, the worst is that I want to and don't, all at the same time. I want very bad to manipulate and play the game and get what i want, but, it really won't be worth having then. If, and I say that with all the HOPE I have, someday he see's things different(or just takes the leap of faith) I want it to be the real thing, not something that I manipulated. Something that I will always wonder about, did I do something underhanded to have this happen. I want it to be, whatever its supposed to be.. And that, is what I am pissed about.
Not at him, he's just being young, and I want so much to trust what he says. Although his actions speak so much clearer, I will not push, pull or run away. I am tempted, but something(MOM I think) keeps me here.
Rant, rant, rant, rant............................................................
How will anyone want to be with a crazy, emotionally challenged, silly, crippled fool like me! That's a crazy thought, that's what scare's me the most. How will he accept me, when most the time, I can't even accept myself. I know the saying "how will anyone else love you, if you don't love yourself?" I think that's true...so I better start getting to know myself again, and accepting that I can't change the past, I have no control over the future, except for myself, and that no matter, I will always have some people(and u know exactly who you are) that no matter what, accept me. Just me... the real me that even I forget is there.
Dare I say, the me that someday I hope to be....... not so crazy, not so challenged and maybe, if my HOPE stays strong, loved..
I have realized that this is a shitty thing to do, and I am sorry. He doesn't read my blog's and I sometimes think that's for the best, although there are times when I wish he did. Maybe it would make talking to each other less of an argument and more of a discussion. He wants to be there for me, I know that, and I am angry because I cannot seem to let me guard down enough to let him in. I am afraid that if he knows all parts of me that he will not want to stay my friend. There are so many parts that I hide, things that I think, that I want to say or feel or do, and have no clue where to put that. My buddy Mark gave me a shot in the head last night and made me look at things as they are, not as I think they are. He's always been good at that, thanks Mark!
I have realized(yes with some help) that I am mad at me, mostly for making promises and putting myself in a pitfall place that I am not used to maneuvering from. I have no idea how not to be me, how not to play "games", and I didn't even realize that. Until it was pointed out to me, the worst is that I want to and don't, all at the same time. I want very bad to manipulate and play the game and get what i want, but, it really won't be worth having then. If, and I say that with all the HOPE I have, someday he see's things different(or just takes the leap of faith) I want it to be the real thing, not something that I manipulated. Something that I will always wonder about, did I do something underhanded to have this happen. I want it to be, whatever its supposed to be.. And that, is what I am pissed about.
Not at him, he's just being young, and I want so much to trust what he says. Although his actions speak so much clearer, I will not push, pull or run away. I am tempted, but something(MOM I think) keeps me here.
Rant, rant, rant, rant............................................................
How will anyone want to be with a crazy, emotionally challenged, silly, crippled fool like me! That's a crazy thought, that's what scare's me the most. How will he accept me, when most the time, I can't even accept myself. I know the saying "how will anyone else love you, if you don't love yourself?" I think that's true...so I better start getting to know myself again, and accepting that I can't change the past, I have no control over the future, except for myself, and that no matter, I will always have some people(and u know exactly who you are) that no matter what, accept me. Just me... the real me that even I forget is there.
Dare I say, the me that someday I hope to be....... not so crazy, not so challenged and maybe, if my HOPE stays strong, loved..
posted by Hope | 11/10/2005
1 Comments:
Thank you Mark!
This is the best written entry you have done. Good on ya!
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