14 days and counting

Well today it has been two long and horrible weeks since my mom went on to her next life. I feel at times like she is sitting in the other room, and I just wait to hear her call my name. Then at other's, like yesterday, when I found out some really good news about finances for school, my first reaction was to run downstairs and tell her. But she wasn't there, and never will be again..

But I did tell her. I looked at her photo that I keep over my bed (so she can watch over me when I sleep) and I jumped up and down and yelled my cheers, just like I was actually talking to her. I know that she was here with me, celebrating. Cheering, just as hard, if not harder for me. I know that everyday is a challenge, and tonight is the first night I have been home alone. It's hard.... very hard.. my heart is racing so fast I think that cheechta's have taken up residence in my chest, and I haven't figured out if I want to cry or yell. But I do know that I feel her presence sitting beside me, waiting for either response..

This blog is definitley a help as well. I no longer have her to tell things too, but I do have these small writings. And somehow it's like I am talking to her, like somewhere out there she can read these words. I know that I am not alone in my sorrow, that my brother and dear sister-in-law, miss her incredible as well. My dad is lost, like a polar bear floating on an ice flow off the coast somewhere, not sure whether he is going to sink or swim, but watching ever other piece of ice for someone to help him stay afloat....

The loss that you suffer when someone that close to you dies is overwhelming. There really are no words that anyone can say to make you feel better. Mostly, they just annoy you. It never will get better, but I know in my heart that someday, it will be bearable. I know that with each new experience, the loss of my mom will effect me, forever I will think of the things that she will not be sharing with me. I know that she is looking down, and I hope that our sorrow doesn't hold her spirit her here longer than it should. She's needed somewhere else, to give her guidence, wisdom and love, to help someone else get through this thing we call life......

I miss you mom

Day by day....

So as anyone that reads this is aware, my life has forever been altered. I haven't got a good grip on my emotions yet, but I will say that the return of my mom ashes to our home made a strange impact on me. I felt better, If that's at all possible.
I have so many emotions that are triggered by the smallest things. But mostly I just miss her. I know that she is better off whereever she may be haunting ( and I believe that she is floating around here) making sure that the promises that we made to her, her last night with us are being honored.At least attempted to be honored...
I thought that when she went ahead of us all that I would lie down in her coffin with her, I told her that on many occasions, she always never really thought it was funny, but what she didn't realize at the time, was I wasn't being funny, I meant it ...but I promised her that I would live. That I would find a way to not miss her so much, that even though everyday I feel like I am having a heart attack. That I would somehow find a way to go to school and make her proud! That someday I WOULD swim on the great barrier reef, and photograph beautifully coloured fish, and meet a handsome man with a great accent, and take pictures of him. She wanted more than anything else for me and my brother(s) to be happy!! No matter what did it for us, just that when she looked down thru the floors in heaven, she seen us smiling, not crying......

Well, day by day I am trying to find the strength to keep my promises. And even though I have no idea where the money for school is going to come from, I know that because she believed that there was a way, I'll find it! And that in her heart she believed that my knight in shining armour was somewhere to be found, so I believe. Because I believed in her.... and she made me a better person and I hope that I can make her proud as she watches over me.

I know that her pain is over, and for that I am grateful. All the reasons I want my mom back are selfish and not one would justify her suffering another day. But I would give anything I had to be able to talk to her just once more, so she can tell me what to do next...

Because now I feel alone, like there is no one watching out for me anymore. TO help guide me, teach me or show me the way... I know that the Universe had it reason's, I believe that I will see my mom again in another lifetime, and that because of the person she was in this life, she will be bathed in gold and riches, and although I can't image anyone else loving her like we all did, I know that she is surronded by love.. if not from the next life, most definitley her past life...


Mom I am listening, anytime you need to talk. I will be there.........